The Changing Same

So there I was, one of 3 women among 40 men, panelists / experts all, for a 4-day symposium on global poverty... We know about poverty, we single women who were the "cuspers", the ones coming of age when the '70s version of the women's movement was gearing up... Funny: "movement" is just that: moving... It never ended, even though I thought we were exempt, that we were free from the shackles that restricted our mothers, the closed doors and low ceilings that sapped aspiration like Vermont maples in March...

I was invisible, despite my words, despite my knowledge, despite my experience and -- dare I say -- wisdom... I sketched the big picture, from my vantage point, of a field I've helped to birth, a pioneer's reflections on decades of progress... But I was invisible... The men -- all good, decent fellows -- had important things to say, and even sounded a similar clarion call, although mine was broader and deeper... They were questioned, they answered questions instead of me, they were recognized... I was invisible...

Ever since the New Hampshire Democratic presidential debates, when Barack said to Hillary, "You're likeable enough," my consciousness have been re-raised... I'm acutely aware, in middle age, that unless you've the kind of power that goes with position or money, you're going to be ignored... Men are like that... They're very clubby, they tolerate each other's differences, even while fighting... But women are ignored... It took me awhile to get over it (I'm not really over it), to see that it wasn't me, it wasn't that I talked too much, or too long, or too little, or too late, or too this... It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, or concise enough, or anything "enough"... I wasn't a part of the club...

It's hard to live a cliche, when you're part of the battalion... But that's what is going on, both for Hillary (once you separate the Hillary from the female, but we need to remember that, after all, she likely wouldn't have gone so far without Bill, now, would she?), and for all of us who came of age, the Flower Children, trying to get back to the garden... We almost made it, but we didn't...

The military knows that the first troops are likely to die so that others may follow... The first ones up the walls of the castle, up Pork Chop Hill, or parachuted to the ground, are in no-man's-land, outnumbered and on a mission to change the game... The gamechangers, if they survive, eventually retire, and then, maybe, tell their stories... We of the Woodstock generation, the whatever wave of the women's movement, have not retired, and we haven't reaped the rewards due war heroes for trying to change the game... And I'm not even sure we've changed the game!

If you're over 50, single, and in reasonably good health, you still face tremendous odds... You're more likely to slip into poverty, if you're not already there... You're likely to live longer, but with fewer support systems... Public policy doesn't even know you exist, in this family-centric, poll-driven, consultant dominated world of political discourse... And if you've devoted yourself to a cause, to a calling, well, you're not going to be recognized for that, unless you're sponsored by a powerful agent... The rewards are psychic, sometimes self-generated, other times a gift, such as what happened today...

I received a warmly generous, enthusiastic and effusive thank you from one of the students with whom I've been working, whose passion for her cause is boundless... There is synergy there, the life force passing on... When people ask me if I have kids, I say, No, I have lots of students all over the place... This is the continuity, this is the connection... Nurturing, role consistency....

Yet intellectually, I am invisible... This irritates me, especially since I thought we had settled this.. My consciousness is being re-raised... The past is present, the changing same has come 'round again... When this election is over, there will be a boatload of Ph.D.'s examining the role of gender in affecting people's views, media treatment, and so forth... Better we should examine our own lives...