I am struggling with this current phase of my personal female being, my Womanness. I have just faced one child's end of college - and beginning of marriage. My second child is a young adult, looking forward to college years and the grown-upness that accompanies them. And here I am, picking through their outgrown clothes and a plethora of bittersweet belongings left behind. And the sadness, when focused upon, can be overwhelming. I know this is what we raise them for... the roots and wings in living color, you know? But that does not eliminate the sadness. The sadness - for me - is at the core of my Womanness, softly screaming "what am I supposed to do now?" My Womanness - having born and fed and raised and cared for these amazing, awesome people as best as it know how - is no longer needed in the same capacity. I have relied on my Womanness for self-confidence, credibility, and basic daily function for a very long time, and honestly I don't know quite how to do it otherwise. Does Womanness evolve? Does evolving get rid of the sadness? What's next? Fiiona and I chatted a bit, oddly enough over my e-mail address. I have always felt a closeness with the number 8. I use it alot, and consider it a "lucky number" if there is such a thing. I attach it to e-mails and e-mail addresses and stuff... just not sure why. Until Fiiona mentioned the word "infinity" and the shape of the number 8. Ahhh, this makes sense. A thesaurus lists "infinity" as "perpetuity; eternity; time without end" and suddenly I feel so much better. Maybe I should think of my Womanness as an infinite being - always evolving and never ending - the number 8 in mind, body, and soul. Maybe this means my Womanness is capable of perpetual love, self-embracing evolution, and a spirit that can experience time without end. Womanness is not locked into anything, unless we want it to be.
So to all of my fellow Dangerous Crones, have an infinitely self-loving and fabulous day!
1 comment:
Purple queen - the sadness never ends. It really is a part of truly loving - whether for children, aging parents, passing friends or old lovers who are moving on to their next fantasy. The part we begin to master as crones, is that we absorb the feeling- sadness and all, embrace the awareness and portent of meaning, and it becomes a part of us. Such is the wisdom of knowing - you did it before and you will do it again. That is the power and the triumph! I am cheering here in the 2 AMs of up all night dealing with, you guessed it - sadness and the knowledge it brings.
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